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Intro 1
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I can recall the day quite clearly. A Friday in July. A sweltering eighty degrees.
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Martin Jarvis was completing his week in dictionary corner; he?d been reassuringly average.
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Somewhere in the Shires, surgeons had entered the mind of Mr Stinchcombe and found black apes,
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gibbering on dark lawns. I?d spent the afternoon becoming increasingly frustrated with the
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grooming agitator on my lime Dyson. I was due in Parbold at seven fifteen, and wasn?t going to make it.
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Telephoning the person who needed to know this, I found myself caught up on a crossed line,
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something I?d not experienced for years. I listened in with quiet delight.
Intro 1 cont.
(Talking)
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It appeared that someone called Bill, whilst out walking the bounds that morning,
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had looked in to Top Acre, and been horrified to see the almost visible ribcage of a foal,
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which belonged to the straggle-haired girl from Keeper?s cottage, whose name,
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if this was a Helen Fielding novel, would be something like ?Martha Flanagan?.
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But the countryside is never as romantic as townsfolk believe it to be,
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and the girl?s name was Karen Henderson. On closer inspection of the poor emaciated beast,
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it was agreed that a visit upon the child?s father was in order.
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Not a mission to relish apparently, as the man in question was affected by a strange disquiet,
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which gnawed away at his faith, and it was rumoured his days were spent sucking on the
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bleached bones of his dead mates, whilst writing songs for the hospice ? one of which goes like this:
verse 1
E Am E Am
Na na na na na na na na na na na, Na na na na na na na na na na na
E Am E Am
Na na na na na na na na na na na, Na na na na na na na na na na na.
Oh sucking on the bleached bones of my dead mates
E Am
Trying to get to Parbold for a quarter past seven, and it isn?t gonna happen.
verse 2
E Am E
Hospice, I think you?re marvellous, hospice I sing your praises
Am E Am E
On high days and holidays; I big you up on high days and holidays
Am E Am E
I hear you go on some good outings; I?d like to go on one of your outings
Am E
Please take me with you on one of your outings.
A D A E
I heard you?re going to Billing Aquadrome
A D A E
I hear you?re going to Billing Aquadrome
A D A E
I?ve never been to Billing Aquadrome
A D A E
Let me go with you to Billing Aquadrome
A D A E A D A E A D A E
Please let me go to Billing Aquadrome?????..
Coda
A D A E
I?ll be busking this at Embankment
A D A E
I?ll be busking this at Embankment
A D A E A D A E A D A E
I?ll be busking this at Embankment tube tomorrow.
A D A E A D
January the sixth. Epiphany.